An Inconvenient Friend

Disconnect. We all experience it. We all have our reasons, our excuses for why we do it.  "She is too needy."  "We don't agree on anything."  "She weighs me down."" I am too exhausted for all that drama." Maybe you've heard it said about you. Maybe you've said it about someone else.  I want to share with you the one I hear about me the most.  

"You are unapproachable."  

I am definitely aloof.  I have always been a daydreamer and I try to work through my thoughts before I share them.  I actually enjoy debating with others, but often refrain from it. There is some back story there, which I will share shortly.  I tend to invest a lot of energy and emotion into my family (blood or not) so I don't often seek new friendships. I was brought up in an atmosphere where we don't force ourselves onto other people.  I am willing to adopt-so if you express that you want into my family-I am here.  If you need help call me. If you need someone to listen, I am here.  If I can help I will, if I can't I will try to help you find someone who can.  I don't wear my heart of my sleeve (my resting facial expressions are more linked to the dialogue in my head, than the world around me), however I am an open book (perhaps blog) if you willing to put in the effort to read me.

I love reading and writing because I love learning and sharing what I have learned.  Middle school teachers-you have my highest respect, because you are teaching messy blobs of hormones who are trying to begin learning what it means to adult.  During, my messy blob days I had one English teacher who backed my fluid identity against a wall and forever changed me.  She also taught debate.  I loved debate- thinking ideas through until you hit an extreme that was ridiculous-was fun to me.  My unwillingness to debate and my immediate self-consciousness about  interacting social all started with one parent-teacher conference.  "She has a superiority complex. She thinks she's better than everyone else."  As a girl, keeping my opinion of myself in check was how I reminded myself that I was not God. I knew that I could not help others (something I loved being able to do) if I was too busy thinking about me.  So now more than 20 years later, I try to stay out of debates, speak with delay, or remain silent-so I do not give off a sense of superiority.  It seems the joke may be on me-because the tools I try to use are ineffective. I am still accused of having a superiority complex, despite my best efforts to walk humbly with God.

I am often "lost in thought." My husband can attest to this, he has to bring me back to reality often.  I often miss the first words someone might say to me, or fail to pick up on some body language cues.  I may subconsciously respond with a smile or a nod of the head, but awkwardly I admit -I was mentally otherwise engaged.  I sincerely apologize if you are reading this and we have had encounters like this.  I am the inconvenient friend.  My headiness requires effort on both of our parts to connect.  If I make the effort to leave my headspace and interact with you, my need for connection requires you to say more than "hi" and walk away. We could always be the people who make small talk, but I doubt either of us would find that satisfying.  If I am not worthy of your time, why do you want to be my friend?

Aloof people are often silent. As a self-proclaimed aloof person, I must warn potential friends to expect awkward or uncomfortable silences.  These silences aren't comliance, they do not mean "yes" or "no." If I can liken it to anything, it is like when you have a blank webpage or application on you phone or computer that says "Loading" with a spinning circle.  Some times a slow response is because that person is processing what was said, what it means, and the most accurate way to respond.  Words are powerful, I don't want to misspeak and cause injury.  I know I have, I probably will again, but I try not to.  Silence is powerful, I try to take care and not assign meaning to someone else's silence.  I think it is disrespectful to assume I know what someone is going to say with or without words.

Respect and love are deeply connected for me.  I see respect as an act of love, because I love you- I  show you respect. Unfortunately, this means when I feel disrespected, it is a withdrawal of love.  Maybe I am the only one. It is a struggle for me. I know that for some people they are not connected, for me -they are.  It's inconvenient. I am an inconvenient friend.  

Relationships are messy.  Friendships are messy. We have dramatic friends, oppositional friends, high-energy friends, down-to-earth friends, insecure friends, and maybe even inconvenient friends. Loving people is a messy task.  It is also part of the task Jesus gave us.

"This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

John 15:12‭-‬13 NASB

Jesus had friends. Those relationships were messy. There were arguements over who was his best friend. Thomas may have been inconvenient. Peter was oppositional-not always intentionally.  James and John were not called Sons of Thunder for their meekness. Judas betrayed Him. Peter denied Him.  With two sets of brothers, Jesus probably spent some time dealing with sibling rivalry. I can almost imagine Him making eye contact with those four as he emphasized the commandment to love one another.  Those four men, who were following Him with their brother, were fishermen.

And Jesus said to them, "Follow Me, and I will make you become fishers of men."

Mark 1:17 NASB

I don't know very much about fishing. I know fishing in Biblical times used large nets instead of poles- like we use for leisurely fishing.  However, despite their differences both fishing methods have some similar requirements for success.  I know it requires patience. I know you have to make sure you have something the fish likes enough to draw near. I know you need to use effort to reel your catch in. That sounds a lot like building relationships to me. It is a messy process.   Are we ready to get our hands dirty? Are we willing to do what it takes to catch friends?